


so maybe who we were then is shattered (but who we are in the end's what matters)

by isloremipsumafterall



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 17:38:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18077945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isloremipsumafterall/pseuds/isloremipsumafterall
Summary: Ashley went with the bomb. Kirrahe’s squad got overrun and he didn’t bother yelling for help.They both died on Virmire.Then he woke up.orKaidan is stuck in a time loop living Virmire over and over again and something has to break





	so maybe who we were then is shattered (but who we are in the end's what matters)

“Ash?”

 

It all hit him fast, coming out of nowhere and he shot up in his bunk, sweat cooling on his skin and his heart beating too wildly in his chest.

 

Kaidan’s fingernails dug into his palm as he tried to calm himself, switching the light on next to him and taking stock of himself.

 

There was nothing out of the ordinary going on; his hands - beyond the slight tremor in them - were fine despite the voice in the back of his mind whispering that something wasn’t right here.

 

Kaidan cleared his throat which, while he felt parched, wasn’t sore from screaming like he thought it might be.

 

“Get a hold of yourself.” He muttered, running a hand through his hair and reaching out with his other hand to turn on his omni tool on his side table to take a look at the time.

 

It was close enough to when he had to wake up, today they’d be approaching Virmire and it was long day ahead of him so it was better to just –

 

_-get up, at least take a stand and ignore the burning pain in his side, the shadows at the edge of his vision. Shepard was coming and Ashley was gearing up the bomb. All he had to do was hold off the forces until then, gritting his teeth and –_

 

Kaidan stumbled as he stood, pain blooming behind his eyes that he usually associated with the migraines that came with being an L2 biotic but it felt different now, more like an echo. He raised his hand to pinch at the bridge of his nose to try to will it away and wavered on the spot for what seemed like a good ten minutes.

 

“Everyone look sharp.” Shepard’s voice came over the intercom, “We’re approaching Virmire and need everyone ready for this.”

 

Kaidan grimaced, standing a little straighter and the pain went away much to his surprise, like it had never been there to begin with.

 

He felt like he’d been battered, tossed around by something that made his movements twinge with every step until he reached the showers and blasted the hot water.

 

By the time he got out any discomfort was gone and he stepped out of the washroom, bumping into someone along the way.

 

“Man you look like shit LT.” Ashley crossed her arms, staring up at Kaidan.

 

“You sure know how to make a guy feel special Ash.” Kaidan chuckled, toweling off the rest of his hair.

 

“I try.” Ashley grinned at him, her tone - 

 

_-sad. She sounded sad. Not defeated or tired, still determined but it echoed in Kaidan’s head._

_“You know it was the right choice, LT.”_

_His biotic powers hit enemies with more force than usual, anger welling up inside him to quell the desperation and maybe, just maybe, he could end this and Shepard would go back and save –_

 

Ashley frowned at him, reaching out to rest her hand on his shoulder and squeezing, bringing Kaidan back into focus.

 

“You sure you’re okay Kaidan? Is this the amps, should I get Doctor Chakwas?”

 

“I’m fine,” Kaidan shook his head, “Just a dream stuck in my head I think.”

 

“The way you look it must be more of a nightmare.”

 

Kaidan grunted his agreement, clenching one of his hands to feel his fingernails digging in and grounding him further to reality and away from the errant thoughts that kept creeping into his mind.

 

“I’m good Ash.”

 

“Promise?” She caught his eyes; her hand still on his shoulder was warm and solid, making his skin prickle beneath it.

 

“Yeah, I promise.” He shot her his best reassuring grin and she gave him a quick look before relaxing and pulling her hand away.

 

“Good, because I was not looking forward to having to watch your ass in the field if you were about to fall face first in the ground cause of some dream.”

 

“What no daring rescue to save me from the dirt?” Kaidan joked back, grateful that the conversation had shifted.

 

“I might consider it,” She pointed at him, “but a dirt facial might do you some good, get the bags out from under your eyes.” Ashley broke off when Kaidan swatted a hand her away, lazily stepping back and laughing.

 

“Yeah yeah, I look a mess, I get your point.”

 

“It’s not a bad mess.” Ashley winked at him as she passed by, leaving him flushing and to scratch at his cheek in consideration.

 

* * *

 

 

The Mako was uncomfortable and far too hot, it made Kaidan’s skin crawl and forced him to clench his teeth and ignore the strange tug in the pit of his stomach that meant something was wrong.

 

He continued to ignore it by the time they made their way to the Salarian base camp, right up until Captain Kirrahe pulled the Commander aside.

 

“…and that makes what I’m going to ask even more difficult.”

 

For a moment Kaidan whited out, hearing nothing but the roar of gunfire in his ears even though they were nowhere near a firefight.

 

He was aware the Kirrahe and the Commander were still talking but he felt like he was watching it from far away.

 

There was something wrong, something he was supposed to say and without really thinking about it it just came out of his mouth.

 

“I volunteer.”

 

“Not so fast, LT.” Ashley shot him a look, frowning, “Commander Shepard will need you to arm the nuke. I’ll go with the Salarians.”

 

He almost shot back a comment starting ‘with all due respect’ but it died on the tip of his tongue, Ashley’s blunt response to such a statement playing in his mind.

 

It must have been long enough of a silence that it had gotten awkward, with Kaidan staring at Ashley who was beginning to look concerned.

 

“Williams you arm the nuke, Alenko go with the Salarians.” Shepard broke the silence, making Kaidan jump and his eyes widen.

 

“Commander, Ash is right. It might be better if I arm the nuke.”

 

He could see Shepard mentally counting to ten in annoyance, the stress of the situation and being so close to Saren and ending this must have been getting to her.

 

“We’re good Commander,” Ashley cut in before Shepard could say anything. “We know what to do.”

 

She glanced over at Kaidan who sighed but nodded.

 

There was no real reason to protest just because he had a bad feeling about it.

 

“Well, this is it. Don’t do anything foolish while I’m gone, Ash.” It was supposed to be lighthearted but instead it weighed heavily in the air.

 

Shepard looked between the two of them, “Is there something I should know.”

 

“No, it’s nothing Commander, just a bad feeling that’s all.” Kaidan swallowed down his worry.

 

“We’ll be fine, LT.” Ashley bumped into him lightly, breaking the gloomy atmosphere.

 

“Just know that we’re in this together.” Shepard nodded before she turned to walk away and talk to Kirrahe once again.

 

“Want to tell me what’s really going on?” Ashley asked as soon as Shepard was out of earshot, “Is this about that dream this morning.”

 

“Maybe. I don’t know, I can’t explain it Ash.” Kaidan ran a hand over his face and breathed out deeply. “Just… you’ll be careful right? If anything goes wrong just get out there.”

 

“If anything goes wrong I’m going to make sure that bomb goes off.” Ashley crossed her arms, “Do my job.”

 

“That’s not what I meant.”

 

“Then what did you mean?”

 

Kaidan paused, reaching out with one hand and then thinking better of it and letting it fall to his side, “Just come back alive, okay?”

 

“You think a bunch of flashlight heads are going to get the best of me?” Ashley snorted, “As if, LT.”

 

“Yeah.” Kaidan tried to smile, “That sounds about right.”

 

* * *

 

 

It was all wrong.

 

Every shot he fired at the Geth while working alongside the Salarians felt like déjà vu, every step and order given played on his mind like before.

 

“We’re overwhelmed, there’s too many of them.” Kaidan tore a hole in their defenses only for it to be filled a few seconds later.

 

“Just hold on, I’m coming back.” Shepard’s voice came over the comm and it made Kaidan’s blood run cold.

 

“Negative Commander.” He forced himself to say, “Stay with the bomb, that’s the important thing here.”

 

“You hit your head, LT?” Ashley cut in, “The Commander’s coming your way just hold on.”

 

“There’s a geth ship coming your way.” Kaidan blurted out in frustration, making the Salarians around him look up in confusion as they hadn’t sighted it and truthfully he had no idea why he said it.

 

“Our area’s all clear, Commander, get Alenko and we’ll meet you at the drop site – wait.” Right as she said it a geth ship could be spotted in the distance, heading to where Ashley was, “Shit. Commander we’ve got Geth.”

 

“Get Ash.” Kaidan knew he was out of order, asking Shepard that.

 

“Screw that, I’m making sure this bomb goes off Commander, get Alenko.”

 

Static filled their ears as Shepard took stock of the situation.

 

“Joker, have the Normandy meet us at Alenko’s coordinates.”

 

“Commander, no!” Kaidan felt even more at odds, the headache behind his eyes building.

 

“You know it was the right choice, LT.” Ashley’s voice cracked over the comms.

 

Something inside him broke at those words, tearing into the Geth and Husks that surrounded them, screaming his anger, Shepard made it just in time, rushing him back to the Normandy and then-

 

* * *

 

 

He woke up, hand glowing from his biotic powers and shaking, only one name on his lips.

 

“Ash?”

 

* * *

 

 

He nearly barrelled right into her in his rush out of his quarters, not even putting his shoes on in his hurry.

 

“Whoa, I know we might seem like we’re close to the LZ but what’s the rush?” Ashley caught his arm just above his elbow, helping to stabilize him. She peered at him with wide eyes, “Kaidan is everything okay, do you need Chakwas, should I alert the Commander?”

 

Kaidan just shook his head, as to what he was answering he wasn’t sure.

 

“Okay,” Ashley stepped back, “You want to talk about it?”

 

“I think you’re going to die.” Kaidan laughed humourlessly, resting against the wall.

 

“You’re cheerful before a big mission, that’s good to know.” Ashley raised an eyebrow, “Don’t tell me biotics have started developing psychic powers now too cause I did not sign on for that.”

 

“Don’t the Asari have some psychic powers…?”

 

“Don’t change the subject.” Ashley pinned him down with a stare. “What’s going on?”

 

“I wish I could tell you, I’m not even sure, it’s just-”

 

-“... _a bad feeling that’s all.” Kaidan swallowed down his worry._

_“We’ll be fine, LT.” Ashley bumped into him lightly, breaking the gloomy atmosphere_.-

 

“Just...?” Ashley continued on for him when he broke off.

 

“Everyone look sharp.” Shepard’s voice came over the intercom, somehow making the feeling worse. “We’re approaching Virmire and need everyone ready for this.”

 

He scrubbed at his face, exhaustion made him sway on his feet a little combined with the overwhelming feeling of déjà vu.

 

“We’ll talk later.” Ashley said, her face steely in its resolve but Kaidan couldn’t shake the feeling there wasn’t going to be a later.

 

“Right.” He swallowed down the emotions. It was all just a dream that was all.

 

It only took a few hours for that idea to get shot down.

 

* * *

 

 

There was no doubt that he’d done all this before. He’d travelled this exact road on Virmire, felt uncomfortable in the Mako, and could mouth along with Shepard’s commands as they came. It made him feel sick and Shepard spotted it.

 

“Alenko?” She asked, her voice low enough that Garrus couldn’t hear them where he’d mercifully taken control of the Mako from Shepard. “You okay?”

 

All he could do is shake his head and Shepard’s eyes narrowed from underneath her helmet.

 

“When we get to the Normandy you’re staying there.”

 

“No.” He replied, sitting up quickly. “Just do me a favour Shepard.” He stared at her though with the helmets it was hard to convey his seriousness, “Send me with the bomb.”

 

“What bomb?” Shepard seemed taken aback by the suggestion and more than a little confused.

 

“You’ll see.” Kaidan said darkly, frowning to himself. This was how it should have been the whole time, he should have gone with the bomb in the first place. The bomb he shouldn’t know even existed but knew would be the Salarian’s solution.

 

“Alenko-” Shepard began but was cut off by their arrival to the Salarian camp and she slid out of the Mako with one more sharp look directed at him.

 

Wrex was already off the Normandy, looking angry and pacing on the beach and Shepard could tell that he needed her attention more. An angry Krogan at a Salarian camp was more dangerous than nonsensical ramblings from her subordinate after all.

 

“You going to get out?” Ashley’s voice pierced through his thoughts and he looked down where she was standing at the Mako’s doors.

 

“Guess I don’t have much of a choice.” He tried to keep the wariness in his voice down but Ashley frowned at him anyway. “Hey Ash,” He bit his lip, struggling to put his thoughts together, “If this goes badly...”

 

“We’ll be fine LT.” Ashley assured him but Kaidan shuddered at the words.

 

Shepard called to the both of them, her conversation with Wrex finished for the time and they met in front of Kirrahe who began to explain the situation. When the bomb was discussed Shepard gave him a look that Kaidan tried to ignore. Kirrahe continued onward, explaining he’d need one of Shepard’s crewmates.

 

This time he didn’t volunteer like he had before, staying silent and Shepard glanced back at him as though remembering their conversation.

 

“Williams you’re with Kirrahe. Alenko we’ll need you to arm the nuke.”

 

“Aye aye skipper.” Ashley said and turned to walk back.

 

Shepard caught Kaidan’s arm before he could follow her. “I think we need to talk Alenko.”

 

“Not now.” He said softly, not letting Ashley hear him. “When this is over. Shepard please,” He shot her an imploring look, “Just trust me.”

 

Shepard stared at him for a few seconds before reluctantly letting him go and followed him out to where Ashley was waiting.

 

“Kirrahe sure knows how to give a speech.” Ashley commented idly, watching Kirrahe address his men. “You could learn something Commander.” She continued in a teasing voice.

 

“Funny Williams.” Shepard rolled her eyes. “I think you’d better check your weapons before you go.”

 

Ashley saluted her, “See you guys on the other side.”

 

Kaidan gave her a weak smile. “I hope so.”

 

“Don’t worry so much.” Ashley said, dropping a hand on to his shoulder and squeezing though he couldn’t feel it through the armour. “Have some faith.”

 

Kaidan chuckled at her bright tone, nodding briefly and turning to Shepard. “Ready Commander?”

 

“Let’s move out.” She ordered, nodding at Wrex to join them. Kaidan followed her steps, through the facility and down to the dam where they’d place the bomb. He wondered if Ashley had any doubts she’d make it out alive when she took this route.

 

Had she too been disturbed by the talk with Sovereign and the realization that the ship was alive? Did she watch Wrex shoot the altered Krogan with the look of disgust on his face? Did she wonder how he was doing with Kirrahe and his men at all?

 

He tried to drive the thoughts out, focusing on the mission at hand. It was his chance after all; Shepard would go save Ashley this time. He’d go down with the bomb, the way it should have been from the beginning.

 

They reached the clearing to set the bomb, the Normandy delivering it in record time and Tali, Garrus, and Liara all helped with the initial set up.

 

Ashley’s voice came over the comms, not panicked but certainly not calm. “We’re being overrun, we need some backup.”

 

“Garrus, Tali, you’re with me. Alenko stay with the nuke. Liara, Wrex, back on the Normandy.” Shepard ordered and they all scrambled to obey, leaving Kaidan with only a skeleton crew of soldiers.

 

He watched Shepard disappear through the doorway and the Normandy take off and wondered if perhaps this time the Geth ship wouldn’t actually come. Still he focused on getting the bomb set up. He was almost done when Ashley’s voice came over the headset.

 

“Geth heading your way Alenko!”

 

Kaidan didn’t stop.

 

“Alenko!” Ashley yelled over the comms again when he didn’t acknowledge it.

 

“I’ve got this.” He said despite that clearly the skeleton crew with him did not agree. “Get Williams, Commander.”

 

“Negative.” Ashley said. “Go back to Alenko, Commander.”

 

“Alenko?” Shepard asked and Kaidan wondered if she was thinking about the request he’d had to go with the bomb and if she’d made the right decision after all.

 

“We’ll be fine.” He assured her and another soldier fell to Geth fire. His own biotic barrier was faltering and would soon be gone.

 

“Williams I’m heading your way.” Shepard decided and Ashley let out a minor noise of indignation.

 

“It’s okay Ash.” Kaidan said. “I’ll see you on the other side.” He cut the comms after that and readied his pistol as his barrier broke.

 

It felt like eons before he saw the Normandy fly off of the battlefield and Kaidan shut his eyes with the bombs last seconds ticking down.

 

At least Ashley had made it out this time. At least –

 

* * *

 

 

He woke up in his bed on the Normandy and cursed, throwing his omnitool into the wall with one swipe of a biotic push. He stared at it, breathing hard and fighting back the panic that rose in his chest.

 

“Alenko?” A knock on his door alerted him to Ashley standing on the other side but he didn’t answer. “Alenko!” She tried again, far too reminiscent of calling his name while he was arming the nuke. “Kaidan if you don’t answer I’ll break this door down and drag you to see Chakwas.” Ashley threatened and that at least made Kaidan smile a little no matter how tired he felt.

 

He stood up and went to the door, opening it just as Ashley was about to pound on it again and catching her by surprise.

 

“What was that?” Ashley demanded and peered into the room, when she noticed the smashed omnitool her gaze quickly sharpened and she turned towards him. “You look like shit, Alenko.”

 

“You sure know how to make a guy feel special Ash.” Kaidan quipped and then winced. Hadn’t he said that last time? Or was it the time before then? Last time they had talked about biotics and psychic powers and-

 

“I have to see Liara.” He suddenly said, pushing Ashley aside to step out into the hall.

 

He didn’t miss the way her eyebrows rose in both anger and disbelief. “I’m not enough of a conversationalist for you Kaidan?” She followed him as he walked down the hallway.

 

“What?” He asked, a little distracted and wished he’d thought to at least put his shoes on but was too invested in his decision now. “No, Ash, it’s, uh,” Kaidan struggled to think of an excuse. “A biotic’s thing.”

 

“A biotics thing.” She repeated after him in disbelief as they reached Liara’s door. “You going to talk to Wrex next then?”

 

“Everyone look sharp.” Shepard’s voice came over the intercom, “We’re approaching Virmire and need everyone ready for this.”

 

“Maybe.” He said continuing on their discussion and shrugged but before he could knock Liara’s door opened on them.

 

“Lieutenant Alenko, Chief Williams,” Liara’s mouth fell open in surprise. “Is there...something I can do for you?”

 

“Hey Liara,” Kaidan ran a hand through his hair, “Got a minute?”

 

“I was about to go talk to the Commander about Virmire...” Liara began but Kaidan cut her off.

 

“Please. It’s important.”

 

Liara looked at him for a moment and then stepped aside to let him in. He hurried and turned to shut the door before Ashley could follow and tried to ignore the hurt look in her eyes.

 

“Kaidan?” He heard before the door firmly swished to a close.

 

“Is everything between you and Chief all right?” Liara looked at the closed door and then at Kaidan.

 

“It will be if I can fix this.” Kaidan said and swallowed hard. If Liara knew what was going on and could help him then he’d go see Ashley and explain it to her. If not... he’d see her in the morning again. Which brought him to the problem at hand. “Liara I’m repeating the day.”

 

Liara frowned as if trying to comprehend what he was saying and coming up short.

 

“Can you do that meld with me?” Kaidan asked, thinking that would explain it best without him having to say a word.

 

If anything Liara seemed even more surprised by the request and reached up slowly to give him time to back away before he heard the familiar, “Embrace Eternity.”

 

There was a flash of white behind his eyes as memories flooded out of him and he staggered at the sensation just as Liara did when she pulled back.

 

“Goddess.” She whispered but it was in horror instead of reverence.

 

Kaidan scrubbed at his face and chose to collapse onto the chair in her room.

 

“Kaidan I’ve never seen anything like this.” Liara continued, stumbling on the words and sitting down hard on her bed.

 

“So the Asari have never heard of this then?” Kaidan frowned. “Nothing like this in old stories?” He didn’t bother to keep the desperation out of his voice.

 

Liara shook her head. “I’ve never come across anything like what you’re experiencing.” She reached over to grab her omni tool and typed something in to it. “Perhaps someone has, I can place a query to other researchers.”

 

“Would they be able to get back to you within a few hours?” Kaidan asked and he wasn’t quite sure that was the time limit but it seemed likely.

 

“I don’t know.” She admitted, looking apologetic and clasping her hands in her lap. “My expertise is mostly with Protheans, perhaps my own knowledge of my race is lacking in this area. I’m certain something like this would have been talked about however.”

 

They both jumped when there was a pounding at Liara’s door and Liara got up to open it, revealing Ashley who wasn’t dressed in her armour yet. “Shepard needs everyone in the briefing room.” Ashley said and then turned to walk away without acknowledging Kaidan at all.

 

“I don’t believe the Chief has actually left since we shut the door.” Liara said idly, “It seems she was worried about you.” She looked over at Kaidan with just a bit of a mischievous smile that Kaidan wondered if Wrex or Shepard had taught her.

 

“I’m more worried about her.” Kaidan muttered under his breath.

 

“I think we should stay here.” Liara said as her omni tool dinged with a message response. “Work on this.”

 

Kaidan looked out the open door and down the hallway Ashley had gone down and reluctantly nodded his head.

 

“I’ll let Shepard know.” Liara decided and gave him a soft smile, “We’ll figure this out Lieutenant.” She promised.

 

“Yeah.” Kaidan breathed out a sigh as she walked out the door. “I hope you’re right.” He said to the empty room.

 

* * *

 

 

The first thing he did when he woke up back in his bed after having been to Liara’s quarters was walk straight back down there.

 

They hadn’t gotten too far with their research and most had been dead ends. The bomb had gone off on Virmire and Kaidan had watched from the window while biting his tongue so he didn’t scream in frustration.

 

Ashley had once again stayed behind.

 

“Lieutenant?” Liara sounded confused when she opened the door and Kaidan’s shoulders sank. He had hoped that because of the Asari’s physiology Liara would somehow remember.

 

“Hey Liara.” He said, just as tired as before, “I need some help.”

 

* * *

 

 

Liara had gone to see Shepard and call both of them off the roster again. He wasn’t actually sure what excuse she was using but waited for her to get back while he typed out what avenues of research they had already tried.

 

When the door opened he was surprised to see Ashley stepping through it rather than Liara.

 

“T’soni says you’re staying behind.” Ashley crossed her arms.

 

Kaidan blinked at her, fumbling for an excuse. “Migraine.” He said.

 

“Cut the bullshit, Alenko, if this was a migraine you’d be seeing Chakwas, not T’Soni.” Ashley scowled at him. “What’s going on?”

 

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” He laughed humourlessly.

 

“Try me.” Ashley took a step closer, her arms still crossed.

 

“I’m repeating the same day over again.” Kaidan said, opting for the truth and watching Ashley stare at him warily. “Don’t go with the bomb Ash. Please.”

 

“What bomb?” Ashley asked, her eyes narrowed at him and then suddenly softened. “Kaidan it’s me.” She stated and reached out to touch his shoulder. “What is it?”

 

“I think I’m going crazy Ash.” Kaidan said hollowly, looking up at her and wondering what it was she saw in his face. Madness? Desperation?

 

Liara’s door opened again and this time Liara stepped through but she froze when she saw Ashley standing over him. Shepard wasn’t far behind and raised an eyebrow coolly at them. Ashley pulled her hand away as though burned; clasping her hands behind her back and Kaidan missed the easy affection between them already.

 

“Liara tells me you have some kind of biotic sickness.” Shepard said with a drawl of disbelief. “I’ve never heard anything like it.”

 

“Yes well,” Liara shifted on the spot and Kaidan was willing to bet that last time Shepard had been too distracted by the clock they were on to go chasing after why two of her soldiers were suddenly out of commission. “It’s a very rare condition. The Asari have a treatment for it.”

 

Kaidan hid a wince; Liara really had to get better at lying one of these days.

 

“Convenient.” Shepard said and Ashley snorted in derision. Clearly she had heard the ‘bullshit’ in that too. Shepard pinned him with a stare. “Get better Alenko. I expect you both back on duty soon. Williams,” She said making Ashley snap to attention. “Meet me at the Mako.” She walked out of the room.

 

“Great.” Ashley said once Shepard was out of earshot. “Leave me with Shepard’s driving.”

 

“You’ll survive.” Kaidan retorted, grinning at her and she grinned back and for one second everything felt fine in the world until Kaidan remembered exactly where it was Ashley was going and grimaced. “Just remember what I said.”

 

Ashley opened her mouth to reply but shut it with a shake of her head and walked out of Liara’s room without another word.

 

“She seems worried about you.” Liara said just as coyly as she had the last time.

 

Kaidan ignored the heat on his cheeks and turned back to his omni tool.

 

* * *

 

 

He ended up at Liara’s three times after that before he was willing to admit they’d exhausted all the extranet searches and conversations with other researchers with nothing to show for it. He even looked up old Earth media in search of those stories where people had gotten stuck repeating days with no ideas on what to do in his own situation.

 

He was tired of sending Ashley down to die without him.

 

With that in mind he turned to Tali on the next loop.

 

“What can we do to arm the bomb remotely?” He asked her, stepping in to engineering and when Tali just looked down at his feet he sighed. He really had to start remembering to wear shoes one of these loops.

 

“What bomb?” Tali asked after she raised her head.

 

“Right.” Kaidan frowned. “Ask me again when we get to the Salarian camp.”

 

“What camp?” Tali sounded even more confused as he walked out of engineering and didn’t indeed talk to him again until the Salarian Camp.

 

“How did you know?” She asked first thing when they stepped outside of the tent with Kirrahe.

 

“How did he know what?” Ashley asked from behind Kaidan, looking around him curiously at Tali.

 

“Not important.” Kaidan said, shrugging both their questions off. “Chances are I can’t apply it until next time anyway.” He didn’t miss Ashley and Tali –possibly, it was hard to tell with the helmet - exchanging another confused glance. “So, arming the bomb remotely?”

 

“Let me take a look at it.” Tali said, a little wary and sidestepped around Kaidan to talk to the Salarian who was currently in charge of it.

 

“What was that all about?” Ashley demanded. “Did you do something to Tali?”

 

“No.” Kaidan said quickly, “But if Tali can figure it out then Shepard should send you with me and the Salarians.”

 

“Worried I can’t take care of myself LT?” Ashley sounded a little furious and Kaidan couldn’t blame her.

 

“Worried we might not make it off this planet.” Kaidan said softly.

 

“Don’t worry so much.” Ashley clapped him on the back but all Kaidan could think of was that she had said that the first time. How long ago had that been?

 

“I’m going to see if Tali needs any help.” He muttered and slipped away.

 

To his immense relief Tali had already taken one look at it and decided what they could do. The problem was they’d need more time.

 

He nodded at her, “I’ll leave earlier next time. Just let me know what needs to be done.”

 

He was certain under that helmet of hers Tali was giving him the strangest look.

 

Ashley went with the bomb. Kirrahe’s squad got overrun and he didn’t bother yelling for help.

 

They both died on Virmire.

 

Then he woke up.

 

* * *

 

 

True to his word Kaidan went straight to Shepard and got her to scramble the team faster and gave Joker the precise landing coordinates he needed. Shepard almost sent him down to Chakwas anyway.

 

Ashley cornered him in the cargo bay as he told Tali what she needed to do.

 

“I don’t know how to explain it to you Ash.” Kaidan cut off her yelling. “I’m sorry. I wish I could.”

 

Ashley stared at him, she hadn’t donned her helmet yet so he got clear look at her eyes. Unobstructed like that he could see the concern in her face.

 

“Just trust me.” His voice didn’t break on the plea but it was a near hit and Ashley seemed to be able to tell.

 

She reached up to touch his cheek, her thumb running under his eyes and though his body never kept the bruises from the battle on Virmire but he felt exhausted nonetheless and leaned in to the warmth of her fingertips.

 

“I do Kaidan.” She said, still looking up at him and her lips quirked into a sad smile. “But you’ve got to trust me too.”

 

“I’m trying to save you.” His voice did shake then and he wasn’t sure if she heard at first because it had come out softer than expected.

 

“Don’t forget to save yourself.” Ashley pressed her hand fully against his cheek, cupping it and making him meet her eye. He reached up to keep her hand there, shutting his eyes and breathing out a low sigh.

 

A loud gunshot made them jerk apart and Ashley stiffened in readiness, the hand that had touched him going to her assault rifle to ready it for the threat.

 

“It’s just Wrex.” Kaidan said wryly, “He does this.”

 

Ashley stormed down the plank, ignoring him and on high alert. He followed after her and saw that Shepard had already gone to talk to Wrex to calm him down. Kirrahe was giving out the same speech to his men and Tali nodded at him. She had successfully created a remote device for the bomb then.

 

Kaidan rolled his shoulders, trying to dislodge the stress in them without success.

 

This time they’d both get off this planet.

 

* * *

 

 

If Kirrahe thought anything of how Kaidan could successfully navigate and predict every movement he kept it to himself. Ashley however did not.

 

“How are you doing this?” She hissed beside him, barely audible over the gunfire.

 

He threw a singularity at a group of Geth and fired his pistol in rapid succession right after. “I’ve had time.” Was all he said and shot Ashley a grin. When they were off Virmire he’d tell her everything, she’d see the humour in it then.

 

Whatever retort Ashley was going to say died on her lips when a Geth dropship flew overhead.

 

Kaidan paled. “This isn’t right.” He muttered to himself. “They’re supposed to go towards the bomb.” Shepard and the others were already on their way back, they’d left multiple shields around the bomb to protect it on Kaidan’s urgings.

 

Geth fell from the sky as the dropship opened up. They unfolded themselves upon impact and began firing.

 

“Commander we’ve got Geth reinforcements.” Ashley yelled into the comms.

 

“On our way.” Shepard confirmed, this time nothing was stopping them.

 

Kaidan threw out a barrier around the strike team, gritting his teeth as it was fired upon in rapid succession and nearly broke his concentration right there and then.

 

There was a roar of a Krogan and for one moment Kaidan was relieved, Shepard and the rest of the team had arrived in time. Wrex barrelled through the Geth creating a line for the team to reach them and Liara reinforced the barrier alongside him while Garrus scoped out the Geth snipers and Tali shot any who got too close to them.

 

Kirrahe deferred to Shepard’s orders that she called out and the Normandy crew and Salarians spread themselves across the field to make harder targets to hit. Ashley still stood next to him, there was a crack in her helmet where one Geth had gotten a shot in but she’d returned it by firing at the Geth’s neck and severing all the cables there and rendering it ineffective.

 

“Coming in hot.” Joker said over the comms, the Normandy swooping overhead.

 

Ashley turned in that moment and grinned at him, “Let’s get the hell off this planet.” She crowed in victory and Kaidan couldn’t have agreed more. His grip on the barrier loosened in his relief and before he could tighten it again a shot got through.

 

Ashley fell; the hole in her side still burning as she stared up at him with wide, dead eyes.

 

He didn’t feel the next shot but hit the ground next to her.

 

That time he woke up actively screaming.

 

* * *

 

 

“Kaidan?” Ashley asked quietly from where she sat beside his bed in the medbay.

 

She’d physically dragged him there after hearing his scream. He’d been too shocked at seeing her alive he hadn’t stopped her.

 

Chakwas had sedated him and the world was spinning around him but he didn’t want to shut his eyes. Ashley was alive.

 

“I’ll see you after the mission.” Ashley assured him and rested a hand on his wrist before nodding at Chakwas.

 

He watched her go knowing she wouldn’t come back.

 

* * *

 

 

“Stay.” He begged Ashley when she broke down the door the next loop because he didn’t answer it.

 

She dragged him to Chakwas again.

 

* * *

 

 

He knocked out Joker and stole the Normandy, flying far far away from Virmire.

 

Ashley was the one who shot him on Shepard’s command. The betrayal on her face haunted him even as he woke up once more.

 

* * *

 

 

He tried it again with a barrier put up around the cockpit this time to stop everyone and watched as the clocked ticked away, refusing to look back as Ashley pounded on the barrier and shouted his name.

 

He’d ended up taking the mass relay to the Citadel, the farthest from Virmire he could think of.

 

And then he woke up.

 

* * *

 

 

The Normandy had five thousand eight hundred and twenty three tiles and only one Ashley.

 

* * *

 

 

He went to Liara again.

 

“I saw her die.” He said. “I knew it happened before but this was right in front of me and I couldn’t stop it.”

 

Liara hesitated before she replied, “Perhaps you need to let her go.” At Kaidan’s glare she softened. “My understanding of several earth religions is that you need to accept death.”

 

“And this is trying to teach me it?” He nearly scoffed at the idea but at this point was just drawing at straws.

 

“I believe the Chief would have a better idea about the religion than I would.” Liara suggested, still hesitant.

 

Kaidan dropped his face into his hands. “Maybe next time Liara.”

 

* * *

 

 

He didn’t go to talk to Ashley about it the next loop, he ended up down in engineering lying on the floor and staring at the drive core.

 

Adams and Tali both hovered over him with worry.

 

“I’m repeating the day.” Kaidan said when they asked what was wrong. “Hey Tali,” He began quietly, “The Quarians believe there’s an end to all this right? That you’ll get home some day?”

 

“Of course!” Tali somehow sounded both cheerful and indignant all at once.

 

“Do you ever just feel like you’re repeating the same thing over and over again though? Just throwing yourselves at the Geth and the universe with nothing to show for it?” He dragged a hand over his face and sat up to lean on his elbows.

 

Tali was silent for a moment and then she sat down next to him. “I think we can’t give up that hope.” She pulled her knees to her chest and rested her hands on them. “It may be easy to but I have to believe that one day my people will see the sun rising on our home. Keelah Se’lai…the closest meaning it has is ‘by the homeworld I hope to see some day’.” She ducked her head a little and then looked over at him. “But each Quarian finds their own meaning in that.”

 

Above them the drive core shone beautifully and filled the room with an ethereal glow. Ashley appeared at the doorway and shot them all a confused look. Adams just shrugged at her.

 

“Shepard’s been looking for you guys. We’re at the LZ and need to go.”

 

Tali stood up and offered her hand to Kaidan who took it with a grateful smile.

 

“Thanks Tali.”

 

She rested her hand on his shoulder. “Keelah Se’lai, Kaidan. Whatever that may mean for you.”

 

He looked over at Ashley and huffed in amusement when she raised an eyebrow at her.

 

“I think it just means seeing tomorrow with someone I care about.” He said and Ashley’s eyes widened for a second before her gaze softened.

 

“Come on, LT.” Ashley stepped over to grab him, her hand grazing his and sliding up to grasp his bicep. She looked down for a second and then back up at him. “Kaidan where are your shoes?”

 

He laughed, probably too hysterically for Ashley liking but couldn’t stop.

 

Not until the Mako touched down on Virmire and everything went wrong again.

 

* * *

 

 

 “You look like shit, Alenko.” Ashley said as he dragged her into his room the next loop.

 

“You’re going to give me a complex at this rate, Ash.” Kaidan couldn’t help but chuckle at the line, having heard it a few times by that point. “That’s sort of what I wanted to talk to you about.”

 

Ashley looked at him in surprise. “You want beauty tips?”

 

“Well, no.” Kaidan scratched at his chin, feeling the stubble beneath his fingers. “I’ve been going through something. I need some advice.”

 

“Everyone look sharp.” Shepard’s voice came over the intercom, “We’re approaching Virmire and need everyone ready for this.”

 

Ashley jostled at the order but Kaidan caught her arm as she turned to go. “Ignore that, I promise you Shepard can deal without us for a few minutes.”

 

She settled onto his bed, patting it so he’d take a seat next to her. “What’s going on, LT?”

 

“I’m uh,” He rubbed the back of his head struggling to find the words. Explaining it to Liara had been easy with the meld and Tali had just ignored his weird ramblings but the last time he’d told Ashley she hadn’t believed him. “I’ve been feeling stuck lately.” He opted to go for. “And I keep losing important people around me. People I care about.” He met her eyes, holding her gaze and trying to get across that he meant her without saying the words.

 

“So this is what... some kind of crisis of faith?” Ashley asked, tilting her head a little in curiosity.

 

“I don’t know what it is Ash. I just want it to end. But I don’t know how to get there or what the end might mean. If all this is for saying some kind of proper goodbye.” The words struggled to get out, he didn’t want to comprehend it. “If I’m just supposed to lose the people I care about.”

 

“Screw that.” Ashley said, crossing her arms. “Kaidan I believe God has a plan for all of us but that doesn’t mean he’s always directly involved. We have to make our own choices as well.”

 

“Don’t go down without a fight?” He quirked his lips upwards in amusement. “That sounds like you.”

 

“Kaidan?” She sounded concerned and unfolded her arms, leaning in just a little and her breath ghosted across his lips. He could close the space between them, pull Ashley into a dizzying kiss that they seemed to be orbiting around and then –

 

He’d wake up and she wouldn’t remember.

 

Kaidan reluctantly pulled away, not missing the flash of disappointment in Ashley’s eyes. At the doorway someone awkwardly cleared they’re throat and they both turned to see Garrus standing there.

 

“Uh, Shepard is looking for the both you. Hope I didn’t interrupt anything.” He said, far too amused.

 

“We’ll be right there.” Ashley assured him, smoothly ignoring his insinuation.

 

“Right.” Garrus said, “By all means take your time.” He looked at both of them and cocked his head. “Though Kaidan might want to find some shoes.”

 

“Everyone’s a critic.” Kaidan grumbled, dutifully dragging out his shoes and armour. Garrus snorted and walked away. Ashley stood up but before she could go Kaidan called her attention, “Hey Ash?”

 

She turned to look at him.

 

“I’m not giving up.” Kaidan assured her and Ashley paused in consideration before she smirked at him.

 

“Good to know, Alenko. I’m hardly that easy.”

 

He shook his head, smiling to himself as she walked out of his room. The question now was what else to do differently.

 

* * *

 

 

"How'd you like to steal the Mako and kill Saren for trying to manipulate the Krogan?"

  
  
Wrex's grin was unsettling. "And it's not even my birthday. Don’t think Shepard would allow it though kid.”

 

“I’m not asking Shepard.” Kaidan said and shrugged.

 

“Going rogue? Careful, Saren chose that route too and look where it’s got him.” Wrex hefted his gun in a clear warning.

 

“Look if we can do this then Saren won’t be a problem anymore.” Kaidan tried to reason and maybe he had underestimated Wrex’s loyalty to Shepard which was ultimately good to know. “But I need your help Wrex.”

 

There was moment of silence where Kaidan wondered if Wrex was about to shoot him anyway before he said, “I was getting tired of waiting around here anyway. What’s your plan?”

 

“There isn’t one.” Kaidan admitted.

 

“Even better.”

 

* * *

 

 

“I’m repeating this day over again.” Kaidan admitted when they reached the facility that housed the altered Krogans. “Also Sovereign isn’t just Saren’s ship, it’s a Reaper and alive.”

 

“Well shit.” Wrex deadpanned.

 

“You believe me?” Kaidan asked, somewhat incredulous. He’d never have expected Wrex to just accept that. An alarm flared up, alerting the occupants’ of the base of their arrival.

 

“Kid we’re following a human who’s getting visions from a dead race and Rachni have just come back. Hell at this point Shepard could come back from the dead and I wouldn’t even blink.” Wrex turned to look at him. “You didn’t get hit by a beacon too did you?”

 

Kaidan paused, he hadn’t even considered that perhaps this had something to do with the beacon. It seemed like it was time to talk to Liara again. “You know you’re a smart guy Wrex. For a Krogan.” He teased. Heavy footsteps echoed in the hallway ahead of them.

 

“You’re not bad either for a human.”

 

“Thanks Wrex.” Kaidan said and then he tore through Krogan charging at them with a shockwave.

 

One got through and hit him with such a force he was thrown back and into a wall. He thought he heard something snap – his spine maybe – but couldn’t feel anything all of sudden and gave a shuddering gasp as the world turned black on him.

 

* * *

 

 

Liara took this new information with gusto and began scouring her old notes.

 

“There isn’t much on the beacons even, but perhaps Wrex was on to something and you were affected by a technology that used to belong to them. Goddess what I wouldn’t give to talk to a living Prothean...” She began on a spiel, mostly talking to herself rather than Kaidan.

 

“There was another beacon on the planet but I wasn’t with Shepard when she found it, at least not the first time.” Kaidan admitted.

 

She paused in her research. “Kaidan what do you remember about the first time you experienced Virmire?”

 

“I... I don’t remember much. I thought it was just a dream when it happened again.” He frowned, trying to recall what he had done. He’d talked with Ashley about being careful, gone with Kirrahe, tried to convince Shepard to go back for her instead of for him, and –

 

“It’s fuzzy.” He admitted.

 

“May I?” Liara asked and held up her hands, no doubt looking to meld again. He jerked his head with an affirmative. “Embrace Eternity.”

 

Again there was a flash of white beneath his eyes and then Liara pulled away. “It’s hard to distinguish which one was the first time.” She admitted, sounding a little defeated. “They all appear to be blurring together. I’d need some time to sort through all this.”

 

“Well, I might be able to steal you some time.” Kaidan stood up, “So long as I can get us away from Virmire.”

 

“How do you intend to do that?”

 

“I’m going to go talk to Joker.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Uh, what.” Joker hadn’t stopped staring at him since Kaidan barged into the cockpit and declared they needed to get out of the system. It probably was a better idea then the time he had knocked Joker out to steal the ship. Getting Joker on his side would be helpful.

 

“Joker look, I’m repeating the same day over again, I just need some time where I don’t have to worry about any of our crew dying on Virmire.” He shifted on his feet, feeling guilty that he’d be leaving Kirrahe and his men down there. He’d find a way to save them too one of these loops. “Look, maybe don’t worry about it this time. Just...tell me something you’ve never told anyone that I can tell you next time.”

 

“Is this a joke?” Joker peered down the hallway. “Did Williams put you up to this?”

 

“What? No. Why would Ash put me up to this.”

 

“Uh, because you two spend a lot of time together.” Joker stated, not missing a beat.

 

Kaidan narrowed his eyes at Joker. “Joker do you have a betting pool on me and Ash?”

 

“No.” Joker said, a little too quickly and looked away.

 

“Right.” Kaidan could worry about that later. “So about this secret.”

 

“You want me to just tell you a secret of mine because you’re going through some sort of... ‘time loop’” Joker used finger quotations when he said it and scoffed. “You know how ridiculous that sounds right?”

 

“I know.” Kaidan groaned. “But I wouldn’t have come down here and asked this if it wasn’t important.”  

 

“And you just expect me to buy that? ‘Oh turn the ship around Joker, it’s important!’ ‘Tell me some secret Joker, it’s important!’”

 

“Important enough I rushed here without shoes.” Kaidan said, pointing down at his feet on the cold metal floor.

 

“Hunh.” Joker looked down like that was in fact the deciding factor. “All right man, I’ll humour you just this once. Let me tell you about my sister...”

 

* * *

 

 

“Your sister’s name is Hilary, you’re both from Tiptree. She’s a lot younger than you are but the two of you talk all the time over subspace, you’ve never told her how you got the nickname ‘Joker’ because you don’t want her to know there was a time where you rarely smiled and weren’t happy. Last month was her birthday but you couldn’t take it off because we were at Feros so instead you recorded a birthday message to her, including singing happy birthday.” Kaidan paused. “You’re pretty tone deaf.”

 

Joker was staring at him in the similar manner he had been last time Kaidan had barged into the cockpit. “Did you hack my emails?” And then a moment later, “Where are your shoes?”

 

“I’m repeating this day over again Joker. We need to get out of here.” It wouldn’t work of course but Joker didn’t need to know that part. “Look you told me all that so I’d be able to convince you about this.”

 

Joker laughed but sobered up at Kaidan’s hard stare. “Fuck.” He stated. “Have you told Shepard this? I can’t just leave Virmire without Shepard’s orders.”

 

Or maybe Joker did need to know. “It’s not going to matter. It’ll reset anyway, I just need to give Liara some time.”

 

“Sure that makes sense.” Joker rolled his eyes. “Liara can’t just stay up here while you guys go on the mission.”

 

“Joker.” Kaidan sighed. “Ashley keeps dying.”

 

Joker was uncharacteristically quiet for a minute. “You’re going to need one hell of a therapist Alenko.” He said but he swiveled his chair back to the controls and called Shepard over the comms. “Commander we’ve got a problem with the Normandy’s landing controls. We’re going to need to get back to the Citadel.”

 

Shepard swore over the comms and Joker waved Kaidan out of the cockpit while mouthing ‘I got this’. Kaidan shot him a grateful look and stepped back into the CIC. Ashley met him there, stepping into line with him.

 

“What’s going on, Joker said there’s a problem with the Normandy?”

 

“I wouldn’t worry about it.” Kaidan said honestly. “You can use the time for target practice.”

 

“You saying my aim is off, Alenko?” Ashley snorted at the idea of it. “Last I checked I beat your scores and I don’t have some biotic power to wipe up my mistakes.”

 

“Too bad,” Kaidan kept up the teasing in his voice. “You could use the help.”

 

“I’ll make you eat those words.” Ashley promised in a low voice.

 

“Sure Ash.” He grinned, he’d missed the flirting.

 

They reached the elevator and Ashley leaned into his space, no doubt to throw another joking insult at him, but he flinched in a reminder of the time they had very nearly kissed. He could have made a joke about that too but Ashley wouldn’t have gotten it – wouldn’t have remembered.

 

The elevator opened up to reveal Garrus and Tali standing there. They took in how close Ashley and Kaidan were standing with a pause.

 

Then Garrus coughed awkwardly, “We interrupting something?” Next to him Tali snickered.

 

Kaidan groaned. “You’ve got the worst timing Vakarian.” He said, shaking his head and walking off to talk to Liara. He tried to ignore the hurt in Ashley’s face. One day he’d explain it all to her.

 

* * *

 

 

Liara used the melds to get the information she had pulled last time to work quicker and with more information. More and more Kaidan tried to remember exactly what it was he had done that first time but it felt like every loop it was slipping away from him.

 

One loop found him bringing whiskey down to Ashley’s quarters where she’d holed up after the mission was cancelled.

 

“We’re on duty.” Ashley said when she opened the door to see him standing there with the bottle.

 

“We’re grounded and trust me,” Kaidan smiled, “It’s not going to matter.”

 

“You’re acting weird, LT.” Ashley let him in and stared at him pensively. “What’s up with you and T’Soni?”

 

“Jealous Ash?” He couldn’t resist teasing, just a little, and poured them both a drink.

 

“You wish.” She muttered, taking the glass despite her earlier objections but not taking a sip.

 

“I’ll tell you when I can.” He promised her. “We’ve just got to make it until then.” He took a seat not on the bed but on the floor next to it. On the bed was too intimate, too much like a time he’d missed out on.

 

If she thought anything of his words this time she kept it to herself and settled down next to him with her thigh pressed against his.

 

He woke up without her presence and just stared at the ceiling thinking he could still taste the alcohol on his tongue.

 

* * *

 

 

“I think I’ve found something.” Liara said as she scrolled through her omni tool.

 

Kaidan nearly fell out of his chair he was so startled. “You have?” He couldn’t keep the hope out of his voice.

 

“Not with your memories.” She looked at him apologetically. “On Virmire.”

 

His shoulders sank but he inched closer nevertheless to see what was on her omni tool.

 

“There was a Prothean dig site here.” Liara pointed to a location on the map.

 

“Yeah, we found a beacon on the planet.” Kaidan shrugged, “Guess they hadn’t gotten the chance to unearth that.”

 

Liara shook her head, “This was farther away, where you said you and Kirrahe’s men took a stand.”

 

Kaidan frowned and squinted at the map. Shepard had found the beacon in the facility, miles away. “You think there was something else missed?”

 

“It’s possible.” Liara looked at him. “I think you need to go back to Virmire.”

 

“Great.” Kaidan said woodenly. “Just what I wanted to hear.”

 

* * *

 

 

 It had been a long time since he’d been in the Mako with Shepard and Garrus, much to his surprise he almost missed it.

 

“Please tell me we’re almost at the campsite.” Garrus said under his breath so only Kaidan could hear him as Shepard took another sharp turn and the wheels dipped dangerously near a cliffs edge.

 

Kaidan kept his laugh low but Shepard still shot them an annoyed look.

 

“Try to focus on where we’re going Commander.” He suggested and exchanged a look with Garrus when Shepard ignored them both and ran over a Geth Colossus after shooting it up with the Mako’s guns.

 

“I’ll be amazed if we get there in one piece.” Garrus said, his mandibles flaring a little in worry when Shepard swerved. “I’ll have a hell of a time putting this back together when we’re through.”

 

“If anyone can repair the Mako after Shepard’s done with it it’d be you Garrus.” Kaidan winced as Shepard gunned it towards one of the control towers and readied his pistol for a fight. “Ash’ll be sad she missed this.”

 

“You’ll just have to shoot some Geth for her won’t you?” Garrus’ tone was bordering on pure amusement.

 

“I’m sure the Chief would appreciate a bouquet of Geth heads.” Shepard said as she jerked the Mako to a stop and opened fire.

 

Kaidan paused before he opened the door. It almost sounded like Shepard and Garrus were in on the possible betting pool that Joker had.

 

He made a mental note to still look in to that later.

 

* * *

 

 

Liara had volunteered to arm the nuke despite Kaidan’s protests. She assured him she’d still leave with Shepard given the knowledge on how to arm it quickly enough that she’d pulled from Kaidan’s memories. It left Ashley free to come with him and Kirrahe and for a moment he almost chose to turn right back into the Normandy and leave Virmire after all with the memory of how badly it had turned out last time.

 

Watching the life go out of her eyes would haunt him for nights to come.

 

Rather than focus on the fighting however he looked more to the area around them; searching desperately for anything he could have missed before.

 

“Alenko!” Ashley yelled as she shot down another Geth who had been aiming at him.

 

He reinforced the barrier he’d put around them and turned back to focus on his own mission again. Nothing looked out of place or possibly Prothean so far, it was –

 

- _strange. The object shouldn’t have been there. Kirrahe didn’t seem to notice it as he walked past it. Kaidan wouldn’t have either except that in that moment a he was thrown back by Geth firing at his shields._

_He groaned and pried himself up, using the strange cylindrical object as leverage and it almost looked like a beacon. For a moment there was an eerie piercing noise in the air and then it felt like something was crawling under his skin, digging in there and dragging him under to depths he couldn’t fathom._

_Kirrahe was calling out,_ –

 

“Alenko!” Ashley pulled him back from the strange object. He had stood with his hand outstretched, not even realizing he’d been walking towards it.

 

Kaidan shook his head trying to dislodge the feeling that something was inside of him, pulling him towards it. How had he missed it before?

 

He glanced around the clearing, making a note of where it was. There was no time to investigate in this loop, he’d have to wait.

 

“Commander we’ve got Geth reinforcements.” Ashley yelled and forced Kaidan back into the battle at hand.

 

“On our way.” Shepard confirmed and Kaidan’s blood ran cold.

 

It was too much like the time he’d seen Ashley die right in front of him.

 

She turned to him her eyes –

 

- _wide, dead_ –

 

“No. Not this time.” Kaidan whispered to himself and forced himself into action, pushing Ashley down as the shots fired and then –

 

He woke up.

 

* * *

 

 

“Shepard we need to talk.”

 

“What’s going on Alenko?” Shepard asked, looking down at his hand where he’d placed it on the console, stopping her from issuing a shipwide announcement that they were almost at the LZ.

 

“I’ve been stuck inside some kind of time loop.” He stated, getting straight to the point.

 

“And Liara’s the Shadowbroker.” Shepard snorted, somewhat bemused.

 

“Ashley keeps dying. I keep dying.” His shoulders fell. “We think there’s some kind of alien device on the planet that’s been causing this. Oh,” He looked up at her. “And Sovereign is a Reaper.”

 

For the first time since he’d met her Shepard looked truly out of words.

 

“Just out of curiosity sake, Alenko.” Shepard began, “Is all this why you barged in without shoes?”

 

“Honestly Shepard,” He shrugged, “At this point shoes are the least of my worries and trust me, I know what this sounds like. Heck we can play this out again in the next loop if you want to do what Joker did and tell me a secret. ” He scrubbed a hand over his face, “I didn’t think you’d like that idea to be honest Commander.”

 

“Can’t say I’m thrilled with it, Kaidan.” Shepard frowned and perhaps she saw the shadows under his eyes that seemed to haunt him because then she said, “I’ll go talk to Joker about these coordinates then.”

 

Kaidan nodded his head in thanks and breathed out a sigh of relief as Shepard walked out of the room. For the first time it was looking like there might be an end to this day after all.

 

“Why was the Commander talking about Saren’s ship being alive?” Ashley said, stepping in to the room.

 

“It’s a Reaper.” Kaidan stated. “Saren’s working for it.”

 

“Have you been drinking, Alenko?” Ashley looked at him incredulously.

 

“Not this loop.” He admitted, getting another confused look back. “Look, Ash, there’s something I need to tell you.”

 

She straightened her back in alarm and crossed her arms. “We breaking up already? Think you’ve got to ask a girl out to even get to that step.” While it was teasing there was a careful measuredness to her voice.

 

“When I haven’t even gotten to see that tin foil miniskirt yet?” He shot back, smiling at the idea of it even. “Never, Ash. This...this isn’t about us. Not in that way.” Maybe if there was a tomorrow they both made it through then there could be- it was a discussion for another time. “You might not even remember this.”

 

Ashley rested back against the table, waiting for him to go on.

 

He sighed and opted for the abridged version of it, “This started, well, a while ago for me...”

 

* * *

 

 

“Incredible.” Liara said in awe when they had landed on Virmire and stood before the object. “It’s similar to the beacons but appears to have a different function.”

 

“So if the beacons were a warning then what is this?” Shepard frowned at it and Kaidan couldn’t help but share her frustration.

 

Next to him Ashley kept looking over his way and then back at the object as though she was trying to fully wrap her mind around the story that Kaidan had told. He’d skipped out on her many deaths and some of the things he had done, if nothing worked and he was back where he started he didn’t want to have a repeat of that conversation too many times.

 

“You know nothing like this ever happened in C-Sec.” Garrus said, he and Tali we equally bewildered when Shepard ordered the whole team down to the planet. Wrex, like always, just took in stride and muttered something about humans being a lot of trouble for something so squishy. “We sure do lead interesting lives.” Garrus sounded like he wasn’t sure on how he felt about that just yet.

 

Kaidan rubbed his forehead, this close to the object he could feel a prickling sensation running under his skin.

 

“It’s still a warning.” Liara frowned as she tapped at her omnitool, “Perhaps this is a predecessor to the beacons as we know them.”

 

Tali took a step closer and took off a panel and though he couldn’t see it Kaidan was betting she was squinting at it. “It looks incomplete.”

 

“Incomplete how?” Kaidan asked, resisting the urge to step closer to it. Around them Kirrahe’s men formed a barrier, giving them time to inspect the object in peace. Despite his assurances that this would reset and wouldn’t matter Shepard’s hand still lay on her pistol, ready to fire at a moments notice.

 

“Like there’s parts missing.” Tali pointed towards the base of the device and Kaidan noticed then that the plating was gone and wires were left exposed. She tapped at the screen cautiously and a display flickered to life.

 

“It says warning just over and over.” Shepard said as she got up close to the device. “I think. It’s a bit scrambled. Something about time and minds.”

 

“By the goddess, you can read it?” Liara breathed out, her excitement barely contained.

 

“You can’t?”

 

“No skipper,” Ashely snorted in derision, “Not all of us got a damned ancient language downloaded into our brains.”

 

“If I may?” Liara asked, holding her hands up like she wanted to do a meld with Shepard. Shepard tilted her head in agreement. It only took a few seconds but they both stepped back from each other afterwards looking a little pained. After having experienced it so many times Kaidan knew the feeling all too well.

 

“This warning does not appear to be the same as the ones in the beacon, like it’s a warning for the device itself.” Liara bent down to look at what Tali was poking at. “As Tali said, it appears incomplete. The beacons may have been placed on various worlds but I’ve never seen or heard anything like this device. It may be the only one of it’s kind.” She sounded awed and another time Kaidan would have loved to let her look at it.

 

“Okay,” He breathed out, wincing as the gunfire got louder. “So we can assume the Protheans abandoned this and it got left here, maybe by accident, maybe not. Can we stop it?” He tried not to sound desperate towards the end but it slipped out and Ashley took a step next to him, bumping her arm against his in solidarity.

 

Liara shot him an apologetic look, “I don’t know Lieutenant.” She admitted. “This is new territory. But I do believe that the Commander and I can figure this out given proper time.”

 

Ashley huffed, “Let’s just shoot the thing.” She took a step towards it but Kaidan pulled her back.

 

“Whoa, Ash, much as I want this to stop we’re surrounded by Geth right now with no way out.” He fought back another wince as his head pounded. “We’ve got to make a plan.”

 

He had to get everyone out alive. He had to.

 

Before anyone else could say anything Geth broke through Kirrahe’s men and set upon them.

 

For once he woke up feeling hopeful.

 

* * *

 

 

“So can I ask a question?” Ashley began during the next loop when he’d explained everything and they were just waiting for the Mako to be prepped.

 

“I don’t see why not.” Kaidan shrugged. “I’ve got all the time in the world for questions until we figure it out. You just won’t remember them.”

 

Ashley grunted, whether it was in agreement or annoyance Kaidan wasn’t sure. “You ever do something you really shouldn’t have? Break any regs?”

 

“I stole the Normandy.” Kaidan admitted. “A few times.” He winced, remembering the look on Ashley’s face before she’d shot him that one loop. “It...didn’t end well.”

 

Ashley raised an eyebrow but didn’t push, instead she leaned against him just a little. “You know we’re going to figure this out right?”

 

“I hope so Ash.” Kaidan said, breathing out slowly. “Getting real tired of losing you guys.” He swallowed hard. “Losing you.”

 

“Exactly how many times have you?”

 

He let his silence answer that.

 

“Hunh.” Ashley said and her fingers brushed by his as she shifted on her feet. “You know there’s a lot of people in the Alliance who would just let a Williams die.”

 

“Not an option.” Kaidan’s jaw clenched, hit teeth grinding together as he bit back his anger.

 

“You sure I’m worth it?” Ashley asked quietly and Kaidan hated how softly she asked it, how unsure she sounded.

 

He slipped his hand into hers and looked over to meet her eyes. “Yeah Ash. I’m more than sure. You have no idea how much.”

 

Ashley’s lips curved upwards into a self satisfied smirk that looked so much better on her than the hesitancy earlier. “You know I’d do the same right?”

 

He let himself live in that moment for a second, hoping that they’d both remember this conversation later. “It’s funny,” He said, just wondering out loud. “After all this time I still don’t know what we are.”

 

“Tell you what, LT,” Ashley leaned in close, almost a hairsbreadth away and he could feel a gust of warm air from her lips against his. “When this is day is over, if you’re lucky you might just get your answer.” She pulled away, letting go of his hand and started to walk towards the Mako, only turning back slightly after a few steps. “Come find me when it is, I’ll be there.”

 

Kaidan watched her go with a small smile. “Yeah, I’ll make sure of that.” He promised himself and grabbed his helmet as Shepard called them into action.

 

* * *

 

 

“This is highly irregular Shepard.” Kirrahe was saying when they landed and Shepard explained their plans without mentioning everything about Kaidan’s time loops.

 

“That’s basically the Normandy’s motto.” Garrus muttered to Kaidan. “You know nothing like this-”

 

“Ever happened in C-Sec.” Kaidan finished for him with a grin. “I’ve heard.”

 

Garrus stared at him. “That’s unsettling Lieutenant.”

 

“For you and me both.” Kaidan assured him. “I just can’t wait to get off this planet for good.”

 

“So we shouldn’t recommend you for a permanent position here when the Council is sure to send a cleanup crew?” Liara teased from his other side.

 

“We should at least commission a statue to commemorate all the time you’ve spent here.” Tali joined in a second later.

 

“It’ll be as pointless as the Krogan one on the Citadel.” Wrex said. “Not a worthy consolation prize.”

 

“The Lieutenant has better things to do after we fix this.” Ashley cut in and shot a grin towards Kaidan that made him laugh good naturedly even as he felt his face heat up from Ashley’s implications.

 

“I think I’ll sleep for a week.” Kaidan said, clearing his throat and trying to steer the conversation back to something that was less likely to end embarrassing for him.

 

“Can’t say I blame you.” Garrus nodded and then straightened up when Shepard approached them with the new plan.

 

“Garrus, Tali, Wrex, Williams, you’re on planting the bomb duty. Make sure you do it exactly as Alenko said. No mistakes. Kirrahe’s splitting his men up, half will cause the diversion you need and half will come with us.”

 

“Commander, with all due respect-” Kaidan began and cut himself off as he struggled with the words to explain how much he didn’t like that order. He couldn’t save everyone if they were all cut off like this, he couldn’t save Ash if she was off, he couldn’t save –

 

“It’s okay Kaidan.” Ashley said, stepping up next to him, her weight a solid presence at his side. “We’ll be fine.”

 

He’d heard that before. He’d heard that too many times. He opened his mouth to argue against it but Ashley cut him off with a smile.

 

“Have some faith, Kaidan.” Ashley grinned, “And worse comes to worse, shoot it.”

 

He let out the breath he was holding and returned a shaky smile. “Yeah. Okay, I get it. Don’t do anything foolish while I’m gone, Ash.” This time when he said it there wasn’t a sinking feeling of dread in his gut.

 

“Look who’s talking.” Ashley snorted and walked towards where Wrex, Tali, and Garrus were. “See you on the other side.”

 

The four set off without another word and then Shepard leveled Kaidan with a look, “Is there something I should know about you and Williams?”

 

“Uh,” Kaidan floundered for a second, looking over at Liara for support but she was too busy hiding a smile behind her hand. “Not sure yet Shepard.” He said, “But we’ll let you know if we figure it out.”

 

“This is going to be hell for paperwork.” Shepard grumbled but she clapped Kaidan on the shoulder. “Then again this whole mission is.”

 

Kaidan looked over at her. “You don’t do paperwork, you get Pressly to fill it out for you.”

 

“Alenko, I would never.” Shepard said in a tone that absolutely implied that was what she was doing. She pulled out her assult rifle and squared her shoulders. “All right, time to end this.”

 

“Aye aye Commander.” Kaidan replied with a grin.

 

* * *

 

 

Being near the device set him on edge again; he’d barely stepped near it when his head started to pound.

 

“It says something about mind transference to the past body.” Shepard was tapping at her omnitool, trying to stabilize the flickering display.

 

“Yes but it looks like it’s set on repeat. Not by choice however, the device just isn’t working properly.” Liara was frowning at it and scrambling to catch as many words as she could. “We just need to find the off switch and – look out!”

 

The device came to life at whatever it was Liara had pressed, sparking wildly and with Kaidan felt his hopes go out.

 

“Hell,” Shepard swore and lifted her assault rifle. “We’ll try this the Williams way.”

 

With that she fired off a shot before Liara or Kaidan could say anything. They barely had enough time to fortify their barriers before the device exploded around them.

 

Kaidan twitched, his pistol falling to the found as his skin felt like it was on fire. The pounding in his head was overwhelming and he could see black spots in front of his vision.

 

“-ko! Alenko!”

 

The world went dark around him, he vaguely felt himself hitting the ground and could hear muffled noises above him but there was nothing and –

 

* * *

 

 

He woke up, a bed underneath him that was clearly not the hard surface of Virmire. His heart pounded loud in his chest at the sheer panic he was feeling. It was happening again, he was back on the ship and there was no ending in sight.

 

“About time you woke up. You make a really poor sleeping beauty.” Ashley’s voice drawled from nearby and Kaidan’s eyes shot open. He turned to face her and realized that this wasn’t his room but the medbay.

 

“What..?” His throat felt hoarse and dusty and he stifled a coughing fit.

 

“We’re off Virmire Kaidan.” Ashley said as she passed him a glass of water. “Shepard stopped the device. I hear my solution worked best.” Her smile was small and a little wary as it didn’t meet her eyes. There was concern there. “You passed out. We got the bomb off and got everybody back on the Normandy.”

 

He blinked slowly, his mind reeling in what Ashley was saying. “It worked?”

 

“Yeah, it worked LT.” Ashley gently pushed at his hand that held the water, encouraging him to drink it. She took the glass when he was done and set it on the table next to him. “We’re just heading back to the Citadel now.”

 

His hands were shaking with a combination of an exhaustion that he couldn’t name and the sheer relief he was feeling. Ashley reached over to clasp them, her palms warm and Kaidan focused on the pulse underneath them and how alive she felt. How alive they both felt.

 

“Hey Ash.” He began, looking up and smiling crookedly at her. “Think we got it figured out yet?”

 

Her eyes lit up at the conversation, something she remembered and hadn’t been consigned to Kaidan’s memories alone. She leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and he shifted, intending to pull her in for a proper one when the medbay doors opened.

 

“I knew it.” Garrus said without prompting.

 

“We all knew it.” Tali refuted. “You needed it pointing out if I recall.”

 

“Please they were just that obvious.”

 

“Hey if you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about I’d like to say that I won.” Joker’s voice came over the intercom.

 

“Joker what have I said about spying?” Shepard shot back.

 

“Yeah yeah, glad you’re up Alenko. Everyone come see me later, you all owe me credits.” The intercom shut off leaving the room in silence.

 

Liara coughed and stepped forward, “We are all glad to see you’re okay and no longer stuck in time. It appears the device was made by the Protheans as a way to physically warn people by sending their minds back to their bodies. The Protheans relied on genetic memory and-”

 

“And shitty machines.” Wrex intoned. “One shot did it in. No wonder the Protheans are gone, they couldn’t last.”

 

“We can’t all be Krogan, Wrex.” Kaidan said with a chuckle, “Right now I wish I had redundant systems.”

 

“You humans ought to work on that.”

 

“We’ll get right on it.” Ashley deadpanned, she had pulled away from Kaidan to sit back in her chair but her hands were still holding tightly onto his.

 

“Right well I can see Alenko’s fine.” Shepard said and gave everyone a look that meant clear out. “I’ll take the report later.”

 

“You mean Pressly will.” Kaidan called out to her retreating back.

 

The door shut firmly before Shepard could tell him off.

 

Kaidan fell back onto the pillow, sighing heavily. Ashley looked down on him, bemused.

 

“You wanna have that talk now Kaidan?”

 

He pulled one hand free to reach up behind her neck and cup it, pulling her down for another kiss.

 

“Ask me later Ash.” He murmured between kisses, focusing instead on how her cheek felt beneath his palm and the way her eyes crinkled at the edge when she pulled back to smile.

 

They had time.


End file.
